I was asked this question by Nice and Amore:

What is your Greatest Fear as a Mom?

I think it is pretty normal for mothers to have fears for their children. When you love someone that much, there is always the worry and fear of something bad happening to them.

I actually fear just one thing. I fear that I will not be able to raise them as strong-willed persons with a sense of fear in the Lord and persons with character. I don’t want them to grow up as spineless children, always needing me. Because there will come a time that I will no longer be there for them. I fear that I will not be able to give them everything they need to survive.

I’m actually very touchy when it comes to issues like these because my greatest fear is karma, you know. I have never been the most dutiful daughter. I fear that someday, my kids, most especially Martha, will go through what I went through. But I guess this is more fear for myself - that I will not be able to handle it.

For Matthew, I fear that as a mother raising a man who will be head of the family someday, I fear that I will not be able to instill to him characteristics necessary to be a man of character and faith. I want him to grow up respectful of women, responsible, caring. I want him to grow up as man Id be so proud to present to his wife. I want him to grow up as somebody I am so sure will do good. I fear that I wont be able to teach him everything.

For Martha, I fear that I may not be a friend to her when the time comes. All throughout my pregnancy, my greatest fear was that my daughter and I will never end up being close. I wanted to be a cool mom, you know, somebody Martha will tell everything to when the time comes. More than being her mom, I so wish to be her friend. I fear that one day, I might not be her friend. I fear that she will go through the same pain and trial I have to go through to be where I am right now. I fear she will get hurt.

Perhaps, that is a mother’s greatest fear no? For their children to get hurt. I remember my mom said before, “Bakit kelangan pa kayong masaktan para matuto?” And that is true. When I became a parent, I feel like I want to protect my kids from ALL pain. If I really can, I would. Simple nga lang ngaun eh, physical pain - naumpog, etc - isang kiss lang ni Mommy, wala na diba? But paano pag ibang pain na? Pain from a broken heart, pain from self-issue, pain from the realities of the world - a Mommy’s kiss, sadly, isnt enough for it to go away. How I wish when the time comes, isang sabi ko lang na, “Wala na ouchie, wala na.”, the ouchie will really go away.

*sigh*.
Naiyak naman ako sa topic na to

Id like to share a layout I made for Martha before, lagi kong line yun eh, “I always told myself I would not end up like my mother, but here I am, trying to be exactly like her.”

My dear Martha,

When I was pregnant with you, I wished it would not be a girl - I have had fears of having a daughter just like me, headstrong, stubborn, deviant. I did not know if ever I can control you, or if ever we would become more than mother-daughter, if we can become best friends. You see, me and your Lola and her and her Mom (Great Lola Maring) were never really friends. Truth be told, I was never friends with my Mom not until I became one myself. I promised myself I will never be like her - overprotective, paranoid, a perfectionist. I did everything not to be like her - and here I am now. JUST LIKE HER. Oh my dear daughter, how I wish I have listened to
my Mom. How I wish that I could have seen past all the angry tirade and endless nagging and seen what was truly behind all of it - care, concern
and genuine love. I gave my Mom a hard time. And I was so afraid a baby girl will give me that much too. I was scared I’d get hurt just the way my
mom was hurt. Yet, the first time I knew you were going to be a girl, Iwas excited. I was so certain that you are going to be LIKE ME - strong, deviant, independent. But I was anxious - would I be able to handle someone like
me? Then you came, the first time I saw you, I cried. I thought, “Yes, we could be friends.”
There was this love and strong bond immediately formed between us and my mind put me years forward with you growing up seeking me, looking up
to me, making me a friend. And then I realized - this was how my Mom felt with me. This was how my mother had felt when she had me - a mother’s love.

Why am I writing this? I want you to remember, just in case, time gets rough; just in case, we end up not being friends - that I am here. I will
always be here. If there is one thing I would like you to remember, one thing I have learned in my life, it would be to listen to my parents. I learned the hard way - you don’t have to get hurt to learn. Learn from me. Learn from my mistakes. It hurts me to admit it even now, but yes, they were right. My Mom was right - if only I had listened.

I love you my daughter. I am looking forward to being more than a mother to you. I look forward to being a friend.

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