Last night, I went with Matthew to the ER of UST to have him checked again for dengue. (Since platelets do not drop drastically, you might need at least 4 to 5 extractions before you are clinically diagnosed with it).

Anyway, I digress.

The treatment room was extended, with a room specifically for pediatric patients, and there was only one Pedia resident on duty. Medical interns were the ones interviewing and requesting for lab exams. We got discharged four hours later and while I was settling our bills in the main treatment room, there were two critical patients, one gotten in from an ambulance service all the way from Batangas and one was a geriatric patient who I presume was bedridden a long time. Most of you who have been reading my entries since LJ know how passionate I am towards the medical profession, and the frustration I’m experiencing not being able to practice.

So when they went on Code Red and all white coats were rushing towards the two patients (who arrived within minutes of each other), I was transfixed. Honestly speaking, I wished I was there helping, be it as a nurse or a doctor. AND what actually triggered my remorse was the medical resident on duty was a classmate of mine back college days (and was actually somebody I still keep in touch with), and for a person such as myself who never regretted the curveballs life has thrown at her, that time, at that moment, I felt a twinge of regret. And wondered…what if life didnt change for me at 19? I would’ve been a doctor, yes. Would I be happier? More fulfilled?

Yes, in completely different ways.

I would be happy, because my childhood dream would have been a reality, my parents would have been proud of me. I would be fulfilled, because Id be doing what I have planned and wanted to do ever since I was a kid.

But then, for sure, Edil would no longer have been there, I would not have had my two blessings. And honestly, I would not be as focused, determined….and complete.

Yes, I would be fulfilled, accomplished, but not an inch happy. Because truth be told, I would not have appreciated all the things I wouldve accomplished if it was served on me in a silver platter. And I would not have appreciated and cherished the medical profession if Im not in THIS state of my life RIGHT NOW.

But yes, last night. I was a bit sad, a bit regretful. A bit dreamy. A bit resentful. A complete irony.

But today, my life is clearer, more focused. I know where I want to be headed. I’ve veered from it for too long, but the good thing is, I can always turn back and redirect my tracks.

Serving and caring for people has always been my calling, and God has been too Wonderful to throw in MOTHERHOOD earlier to give more direction to my purpose in my life.

Salamat po Ama.

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