.

Help me fight.
Picture from Fotogra.

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I spent almost 4 years wishing to sleep with Edil in the same bed every night and when I got my wish, I got transferred to graveyard shifts.

I just slept on the same bed everynight with husband for 30 days. Galing.

I miss my bed.

And the countdown begins.

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For once in my life, I want to be all-out passionate about one thing. I want to focus on that one thing and finally give it all out, holding back nothing. I want to give the 100% I was always willing to give but always just giving 99.5%.

I have always been an underachiever. I have always been told I am more, that I can be more, give more, reach more. I never really believed all of it. Perhaps I was scared of them seeing the real me and they would end being disappointed, that even if I give it my best shot, I still would come short.

So I do it deliberately, always giving way, always falling behind, ranking second, winning without really much effort.

For once in my life, I dont want to be half-baked.

I dont want to say, at the end of my years, I have tried out everything yet I have not been good with anything.

For once in my life, I want to win and achieve some thing I have truly, honest to goodness, worked hard for. Not some last-minute cramming, result of procastination and 50% ideas and creative effort.

For once in my life, I want to find out what I want to be passionate in. Scratch that. I have always been passionate about two things.

For once in my life, I dont want to come out half-baked.

I want to roast, I want to be under fire, I want to be everything I have always been in my dreams, in the eyes of people who have always seen what I always deny to have been.

For once in my life, I want the real me to shine. Without fear of coming up short, or failing, or disappointing, or envy.

I dont want to be half-baked.

And it took me this long to finally admit it.

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You know what kills?

Silence.

I think I'd prefer a shouting death match than deadma. Tangina.

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First time in three years: Sleeping for 13 hrs. straight.
First time in God knows when: Deciding to stay in instead of going out.
First time in the married life: I'm starting to feel couped out.
First time in the married life: I decided to finally be healthy.

Last time to be in the same bed at night with Edil: Tomorrow.

I officially start being a vampire on Sunday.
I'm going to work graveyard shifts again and the thought of not embracing and cuddling with Matthew before going to bed depresses me – it's as if I wasnt working GY shifts for 1 and a half years before. The thought of not having early morning sex makes me feel frustrated. ARGH! When will I ever get a spine and just hand over my resignation letter?!

Too many things have beeing going on I haven't had time to really really sit down and write, let it flow. Seeing my thoughts written down gives me a certain calm actually. I think I need more of that.

We let our first month of married life pass by without fanfare. Too tired. We really need househelp. It's killing our romance. When we start getting it on, I remember I need to cook rice for dinner or it starts to rain and I need to get the clothes hanging outside. Bad treeeeeeeep. It doesnt help my husband isnt that domesticated. He is great with Matthew though. The kid needs a Dad more than a Mom Im starting to think.

Boo.

Im going to drink the night away. Edil's away.
Time for ChocNut and some white wine.
ChocNut, Wine, Me and the Internet.
Ah Bliss.

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The thing is, the reasons I love memes like these are 1) they let me get by when I'm bored at work and people haven't updated their blogs/LJ (I think it's because it's a Monday) and 2) it makes me think what I really want and think about me “out of the box” for a change. Let's see how this would work

Eleven things on my wishlist:
1. I want to finally get rid of credit card debt so I can finally buy without guilt:
2. The kick-ass camera I want and the Ipod/Laptop I'm drooling over.
3. I want to go honeymooning in 3 places: Bohol, Cebu and Boracay.
4. I want to spend a weekend in Sonia's and have dinner at Massimo's, Antonio's, anywhere in Tags except Jospehine's and Leslie's (and the carinderias at Mahogany Market).
5. Hazelnut coffee every morning with a slice of cake, taken leisurely.
6. Shoes at my size from sexy heels and sneakers to flats and chucks.
7. My very own domain name with kick-ass graphics (I wish I knew how to do photoshop though.)
8. A vacation outside the country, perhaps Australia, Europe or America.
9. T1 internet connection at home (heehee).
10. A large master's bedroom with his and hers' space with a jacuzzi to boot.
11. 4 kids without the 9-month waiting, the pain in giving birth and the sleepless nights breastfeeding.

Ten random things about me:
This would be hard because I think I have filled up all the “About Me” memes there is. Let me come up with something “refreshing”,
1. People think I'm Superwoman doing many things at once. I just think I'm neurotic and pretend to be busy when in fact I still have time to blog (wahahaha. The hours you can kill at work.)
2. The main reason I'm hesitant to leave work is the pay which goes to paying off my debts. I have no attachments at work whatsoever (except the Internet connection).
3. I hated it when Edil ventured into modelling. And up to now, I still carry resentment towards models (wanna-bes that is). Yet, I dream of walking the ramp before I hit 30. Sheeesh. I guess I just associated his leaving (me) with modelling.
4. I'm a voracious eater and do crash diets all the time.
5. I used to do track before. Even if I'm XXlbs. overweight, I can outlast Edil into running. My cardio system is as healthy as a teenager. I think I owe it to 1) quitting smoking, 2) running on the treadmill everytime, 3) dancing.
6. I've not been to a beach in 5 years.
7. I love the 60's – everything associated with it.
8. I hate doing nothing with my hands. When I watch TV, either I cut my nails, doodle in my little planner or fold clothes (*sigh*).
9. I have around 10 bottles of lotion in my cabinet. I'm a lotion freak (Bath and Body Works Cotton Blossom).
10. I always carry a pen in my purse- a blue Pilot retractable pen Ü (sooo high school!)

Nine places I've visited:
1. Cebu – Mactan Shangri-la, Plantation Bay, Waterfront, Hi-Top (ba yun?!)
2. Davao
3. La Union – the tides there are whoa!
4. USA – LA, Vegas, SF

Wala na pala =(
Loser ako. I didnt write down places almost all people with a car can go to =)

Eight things I want to do before I die:
1. Let all my loved ones feel I love them.
2. Complete my mission on Earth/Find out what my purpose in this life is (naks, deeeeeep!)
3. Wear a bikini with gorgeous legs and abs and be photographed in it.
4. Travel around the world with Edil.
5. Make sure my kid/s are safe and I can trust whoever Im leaving them to. (I hope they wont go before me).
6. Teach nursing. Seriously! I want to teach students the year before clinicals – this is their transition stage and I'd like to be part of it.
7. Sing on stage, and be applauded at.
8. Dance ala Dirty Dancing with Edil in public

Seven ways to win my heart:
1. Be natural.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Talk with me for hours.
4. Write to me.
5. Have strong beliefs on anything. I want principles!
6. Have a great smile (and good teeth).
7. Be at ease with family.

Six things I believe in:
1. GOD
2. People will always have something good in them.
3. That you can always see a situation differently.
4. That reading can open gateways to places you've never been and gives you insights on somethings you have never dealt with.
5. People always need to learn the hard way.
6. You are responsible for your own destiny.

Five things I'm afraid of:
1. Dying unprepared.
2. Having my kids go ahead of me.
3. Failure.
4. Not being wanted.
5. War, famine, rape.

Four of my favorite things in my bedroom
1. Our linen.
2. Our PC
3. Our coffee mugs.
4. The door that leads to the patio – it lets cool air in and we hang out once in a while there.

Three things I do everyday:
1. Sleep.
2. Eat.
3. Check e-mails. Blog. Read blogs. In short, INTERNET!

Two things I'm trying not to do right now:
1. Look at the time. Six minutes until I go home.
2. Control not to pass by Red Ribbon to buy a slice of cake

One person I want to see right now:
1. Someone you haven't read but will know sometime in the future

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Last night, during our late-night talks in bed.

Brat: (randomly) “Mommy, alam mo ayaw ako isama ni G sa play kasi wala daw akong bracelet at necklace kanina.”
Me: (Thinking so that was the reason he wanted to buy a necklace. And I thought my son was turning gay. Livestrong IDs siguro yun.) “So ano ginawa mo?”
Brat: “Sabi nya kay Wyatt, Wag mo isama yan si Matthew bungal yan.”
Me: me and Edil looks at each other. Tiger Mommy in action. “Ano ginawa mo?”
Bratt: “Wala. Play kami ni Mitch. Bungal din yun.”
Me: “Ano na-feel mo?”
Bratt: thinks it was a hard question “Wala. Bakit ako bungal Mommy?”
Me: heart breaking, “Kasi ayaw mo mag toothbrush eh, tapos gusto mo pa lagi chocolates and chicheria, yan.”

After 5 minutes, hindi ko matiis:
“Mato, pag ayaw ka uli isama sa play ni G, tapos sinabi bungal ka, sabihin mo BUNGAL AKO PERO GWAPO, IKAW PANGIT AT BABOY!”

Matthew giggles.
Edil: Tinuruan mo pa mang-away yung bata.

Me: Im just giving him balls no.

I've never been bullied in the my whole student life. I admit, I was the bully. Sampal there, Sabunot here, Padyak dun.And as far as I can remember, the moments I was made to feel left out hurt. And since a mother's gotta do, what a mother's gotto do, I teach my son how to fight back.

Maling paraan pero sorry, nainis din ako eh.

Next month would be Dentist Month for Matthew, promise
And pwede ba, ang bungal wala talagang ipin, BUNGI lang anak ko.

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Babble-Bebble-Bubble

Babble:
I gave in to temptation last night.
I didn’t go home straight from work.
Instead, I went to Greenbelt and got myself the new Wedding Essentials Magazine (pathetic, I know). This wedding frenzy needs to stop I read it while eating at Hotshots. Mimi was there and so was Phoebe of Printed Matter, plus w@wies I know and the weddings I love! Very very nice layout, concept, everything!

The last piece to go inside my wedding box — after it has been signed

Bebble:

I have been trying to be a (domesticated) wife. Since I’m quite used to doing laundry (basta may washing machine) and ironing (basta wag linen, ang hirap), the only challenge I was fronted with was cooking and budgeting.

I can cook – yes, but not cook they way that would make my husband “AAAAAAH!” in delight.

And I’ve never been good with money.

So, right now, I’m surfing the net for recipes I can do easily (as I still work) and trying to write down items I need when I do grocery shopping later. I’m OC with lists, but when buying/shopping, the lists are almost always forgotten.

Any suggestions for good recipe sites?

Bubble 3:

Questions from Glo:
1. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific.
Meat. Specifically, the ones you use for kaldereta and pot roast. Aaaaah, I love it when meat melts in your mouth and it’s soooo soft.

Wait. Meat is also Beef right? Kasi Pork is not meat, and chicken also. Waaaah. Di talaga marunong sa cooking terms!

2. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most?
Fighting in public. It scares me. I’m not really bothered with public displays of affection, as long as I dont see rubbing and exposure of parts I’d just show to Edil, if you know what I mean.

3. Ok, so there’s P5000 crumpled lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfoundedby your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase?

Good fitting jeans, and sexy heels. God knows I haven’t been able to wear (and buy) one for years.

4. Do you have a reoccuring nightmare? If so, explain.
I don’t have repeating dreams. The worst dream I had which really made me cry was marrying a person I don’t even know! Hahaha. And dreaming my dad died =(

5. What, in your opinion, is the worst song ever?
OMG, you have to hear the songs they play on the radio here! They are capitalizing on songs which have hidden meaning. Grrrr…

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