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Picture from Fotogra.
Archives for July, 2005
I spent almost 4 years wishing to sleep with Edil in the same bed every night and when I got my wish, I got transferred to graveyard shifts.
I just slept on the same bed everynight with husband for 30 days. Galing.
I miss my bed.
And the countdown begins.
For once in my life, I want to be all-out passionate about one thing. I want to focus on that one thing and finally give it all out, holding back nothing. I want to give the 100% I was always willing to give but always just giving 99.5%.
I have always been an underachiever. I have always been told I am more, that I can be more, give more, reach more. I never really believed all of it. Perhaps I was scared of them seeing the real me and they would end being disappointed, that even if I give it my best shot, I still would come short.
So I do it deliberately, always giving way, always falling behind, ranking second, winning without really much effort.
For once in my life, I dont want to be half-baked.
I dont want to say, at the end of my years, I have tried out everything yet I have not been good with anything.
For once in my life, I want to win and achieve some thing I have truly, honest to goodness, worked hard for. Not some last-minute cramming, result of procastination and 50% ideas and creative effort.
For once in my life, I want to find out what I want to be passionate in. Scratch that. I have always been passionate about two things.
For once in my life, I dont want to come out half-baked.
I want to roast, I want to be under fire, I want to be everything I have always been in my dreams, in the eyes of people who have always seen what I always deny to have been.
For once in my life, I want the real me to shine. Without fear of coming up short, or failing, or disappointing, or envy.
I dont want to be half-baked.
And it took me this long to finally admit it.
You know what kills?
Silence.
I think I'd prefer a shouting death match than deadma. Tangina.
First time in three years: Sleeping for 13 hrs. straight.
First time in God knows when: Deciding to stay in instead of going out.
First time in the married life: I'm starting to feel couped out.
First time in the married life: I decided to finally be healthy.
Last time to be in the same bed at night with Edil: Tomorrow.
I officially start being a vampire on Sunday.
I'm going to work graveyard shifts again and the thought of not embracing and cuddling with Matthew before going to bed depresses me - it's as if I wasnt working GY shifts for 1 and a half years before. The thought of not having early morning sex makes me feel frustrated. ARGH! When will I ever get a spine and just hand over my resignation letter?!
Too many things have beeing going on I haven't had time to really really sit down and write, let it flow. Seeing my thoughts written down gives me a certain calm actually. I think I need more of that.
We let our first month of married life pass by without fanfare. Too tired. We really need househelp. It's killing our romance. When we start getting it on, I remember I need to cook rice for dinner or it starts to rain and I need to get the clothes hanging outside. Bad treeeeeeeep. It doesnt help my husband isnt that domesticated. He is great with Matthew though. The kid needs a Dad more than a Mom Im starting to think.
Boo.
Im going to drink the night away. Edil's away.
Time for ChocNut and some white wine.
ChocNut, Wine, Me and the Internet.
Ah Bliss.
The thing is, the reasons I love memes like these are 1) they let me get by when I'm bored at work and people haven't updated their blogs/LJ (I think it's because it's a Monday) and 2) it makes me think what I really want and think about me “out of the box” for a change. Let's see how this would work 
Eleven things on my wishlist:
1. I want to finally get rid of credit card debt so I can finally buy without guilt:
2. The kick-ass camera I want and the Ipod/Laptop I'm drooling over.
3. I want to go honeymooning in 3 places: Bohol, Cebu and Boracay.
4. I want to spend a weekend in Sonia's and have dinner at Massimo's, Antonio's, anywhere in Tags except Jospehine's and Leslie's (and the carinderias at Mahogany Market).
5. Hazelnut coffee every morning with a slice of cake, taken leisurely.
6. Shoes at my size from sexy heels and sneakers to flats and chucks.
7. My very own domain name with kick-ass graphics (I wish I knew how to do photoshop though.)
8. A vacation outside the country, perhaps Australia, Europe or America.
9. T1 internet connection at home (heehee).
10. A large master's bedroom with his and hers' space with a jacuzzi to boot.
11. 4 kids without the 9-month waiting, the pain in giving birth and the sleepless nights breastfeeding.
Ten random things about me:
This would be hard because I think I have filled up all the “About Me” memes there is. Let me come up with something “refreshing”,
1. People think I'm Superwoman doing many things at once. I just think I'm neurotic and pretend to be busy when in fact I still have time to blog 
(wahahaha. The hours you can kill at work.)
2. The main reason I'm hesitant to leave work is the pay which goes to paying off my debts. I have no attachments at work whatsoever (except the Internet connection).
3. I hated it when Edil ventured into modelling. And up to now, I still carry resentment towards models (wanna-bes that is). Yet, I dream of walking the ramp before I hit 30. Sheeesh. I guess I just associated his leaving (me) with modelling.
4. I'm a voracious eater and do crash diets all the time.
5. I used to do track before. Even if I'm XXlbs. overweight, I can outlast Edil into running. My cardio system is as healthy as a teenager. I think I owe it to 1) quitting smoking, 2) running on the treadmill everytime, 3) dancing.
6. I've not been to a beach in 5 years.
7. I love the 60's - everything associated with it.
8. I hate doing nothing with my hands. When I watch TV, either I cut my nails, doodle in my little planner or fold clothes (*sigh*).
9. I have around 10 bottles of lotion in my cabinet. I'm a lotion freak (Bath and Body Works Cotton Blossom).
10. I always carry a pen in my purse- a blue Pilot retractable pen Ü (sooo high school!)
Nine places I've visited:
1. Cebu - Mactan Shangri-la, Plantation Bay, Waterfront, Hi-Top (ba yun?!)
2. Davao
3. La Union - the tides there are whoa!
4. USA - LA, Vegas, SF
Wala na pala =(
Loser ako. I didnt write down places almost all people with a car can go to =)
Eight things I want to do before I die:
1. Let all my loved ones feel I love them.
2. Complete my mission on Earth/Find out what my purpose in this life is (naks, deeeeeep!)
3. Wear a bikini with gorgeous legs and abs and be photographed in it. 4. Travel around the world with Edil.
5. Make sure my kid/s are safe and I can trust whoever Im leaving them to. (I hope they wont go before me).
6. Teach nursing. Seriously! I want to teach students the year before clinicals - this is their transition stage and I'd like to be part of it.
7. Sing on stage, and be applauded at.
8. Dance ala Dirty Dancing with Edil in public
Seven ways to win my heart:
1. Be natural.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Talk with me for hours.
4. Write to me.
5. Have strong beliefs on anything. I want principles!
6. Have a great smile (and good teeth).
7. Be at ease with family.
Six things I believe in:
1. GOD
2. People will always have something good in them.
3. That you can always see a situation differently.
4. That reading can open gateways to places you've never been and gives you insights on somethings you have never dealt with.
5. People always need to learn the hard way.
6. You are responsible for your own destiny.
Five things I'm afraid of:
1. Dying unprepared.
2. Having my kids go ahead of me.
3. Failure.
4. Not being wanted.
5. War, famine, rape.
Four of my favorite things in my bedroom
1. Our linen.
2. Our PC 3. Our coffee mugs.
4. The door that leads to the patio - it lets cool air in and we hang out once in a while there.
Three things I do everyday:
1. Sleep.
2. Eat.
3. Check e-mails. Blog. Read blogs. In short, INTERNET!
Two things I'm trying not to do right now:
1. Look at the time. Six minutes until I go home.
2. Control not to pass by Red Ribbon to buy a slice of cake
One person I want to see right now:
1. Someone you haven't read but will know sometime in the future
When the Going Gets Tough, Mommy takes Over.
Posted on Jul 21, 2005 under Daily Memorables | No CommentLast night, during our late-night talks in bed.
Brat: (randomly) “Mommy, alam mo ayaw ako isama ni G sa play kasi wala daw akong bracelet at necklace kanina.”
Me: (Thinking so that was the reason he wanted to buy a necklace. And I thought my son was turning gay. Livestrong IDs siguro yun.) “So ano ginawa mo?”
Brat: “Sabi nya kay Wyatt, Wag mo isama yan si Matthew bungal yan.”
Me: me and Edil looks at each other. Tiger Mommy in action. “Ano ginawa mo?”
Bratt: “Wala. Play kami ni Mitch. Bungal din yun.”
Me: “Ano na-feel mo?”
Bratt: thinks it was a hard question “Wala. Bakit ako bungal Mommy?”
Me: heart breaking, “Kasi ayaw mo mag toothbrush eh, tapos gusto mo pa lagi chocolates and chicheria, yan.”
After 5 minutes, hindi ko matiis:
“Mato, pag ayaw ka uli isama sa play ni G, tapos sinabi bungal ka, sabihin mo BUNGAL AKO PERO GWAPO, IKAW PANGIT AT BABOY!”
Matthew giggles.
Edil: Tinuruan mo pa mang-away yung bata.
Me: Im just giving him balls no.
I've never been bullied in the my whole student life. I admit, I was the bully. Sampal there, Sabunot here, Padyak dun.And as far as I can remember, the moments I was made to feel left out hurt. And since a mother's gotta do, what a mother's gotto do, I teach my son how to fight back.
Maling paraan pero sorry, nainis din ako eh.
Next month would be Dentist Month for Matthew, promise And pwede ba, ang bungal wala talagang ipin, BUNGI lang anak ko.
Babble-Bebble-Bubble
Babble:
I gave in to temptation last night.
I didn’t go home straight from work.
Instead, I went to Greenbelt and got myself the new Wedding Essentials Magazine (pathetic, I know). This wedding frenzy needs to stop I read it while eating at Hotshots. Mimi was there and so was Phoebe of Printed Matter, plus w@wies I know and the weddings I love! Very very nice layout, concept, everything!
The last piece to go inside my wedding box — after it has been signed
Bebble:
I have been trying to be a (domesticated) wife. Since I’m quite used to doing laundry (basta may washing machine) and ironing (basta wag linen, ang hirap), the only challenge I was fronted with was cooking and budgeting.
I can cook - yes, but not cook they way that would make my husband “AAAAAAH!” in delight.
And I’ve never been good with money.
So, right now, I’m surfing the net for recipes I can do easily (as I still work) and trying to write down items I need when I do grocery shopping later. I’m OC with lists, but when buying/shopping, the lists are almost always forgotten.
Any suggestions for good recipe sites?
Bubble 3:
Questions from Glo:
1. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific.
Meat. Specifically, the ones you use for kaldereta and pot roast. Aaaaah, I love it when meat melts in your mouth and it’s soooo soft.
Wait. Meat is also Beef right? Kasi Pork is not meat, and chicken also. Waaaah. Di talaga marunong sa cooking terms!
2. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most?
Fighting in public. It scares me. I’m not really bothered with public displays of affection, as long as I dont see rubbing and exposure of parts I’d just show to Edil, if you know what I mean.
3. Ok, so there’s P5000 crumpled lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfoundedby your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase?
Good fitting jeans, and sexy heels. God knows I haven’t been able to wear (and buy) one for years.
4. Do you have a reoccuring nightmare? If so, explain.
I don’t have repeating dreams. The worst dream I had which really made me cry was marrying a person I don’t even know! Hahaha. And dreaming my dad died =(
5. What, in your opinion, is the worst song ever?
OMG, you have to hear the songs they play on the radio here! They are capitalizing on songs which have hidden meaning. Grrrr…
I've been writing an entry entitled Marina.
And a sequel to something just a few have access to.
If only I can find the time.
And my muse.
Choc-nut and Oishi Ridges.
Bonding time with long-time friend, Derek.
Calls every 30 minutes.
Paid time.
This is the life.
and I hope to finally close one credit card by the end of August.
Post-Wedding Updates:
Close to a month after the day, I’ve:
1. Viewed the 2488 pictures Mimi and Karl took at our wedding at least 10 times over. Sa awa ng Diyos, ang hirap pa din pumili! I’ve drafted an initial list and submitted it to Mimi and left it all in her hands. Hehehe.
2. Finished watching the 5 DVDs (raw videos) by Threelogy. Ang ganda pala talaga nung Church and nung gown ko, heehee. AT! Wala ako masabi sa make-up, maganda ako dun eh. Mataba, pero maganda pa din (Blag ko to, walang aangal!). Yun iyakan blues, pag nakikita ko, natatawa akong kinikilig na nandidiri, ganun talaga. Buti na lang walang mascara streaks At tulo uhog Nakakatuwa kasi may pangbalik na kami sa mga nanunukso na iyakin kami, kasi may pruweba na kami na iyakin din sila - umiyak sila sa video eh!
3. Finally adjusted to having no maid in the house. Laundry on Wednesdays and Saturdays, cook dinner, watch GMA telenovelas (hooked ako sa Encantadia at Sugo, pramis), do assignment with Mato, let Matthew sleep, play Boggle or something else with Edil *wink wink*, sleep at 2AM, wake up at 4.30AM, sometimes 5.
4. Finally have a concept for our thank you cards (yes, I have not started on them yet!). Ive decided to order generic cards with stickers and sticker labels so I can use them pa din with something else. Plus Im going to use the “A” label, para pwede personal use 
The reason why I have taken this long to think about it was I was too busy sorting through pictures Im going to send out together with the cards. Bigyan ko na lang sila ng picture na kasama sila sa pic. E syempre, edit mo pa yun chuva. It will be MORE costly, oo, pero it would not even compare to the gratitude we have felt for them. Lalong lalo na sa relatives ko.
Sa madaling salita, pupunta na naman ako kay Phoebe nito! Hehehe. Nag-usap kami kahapon eh, super busy. Im glad
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Naiinis ako at mauubos na ang sahod ko, wala pa din akong makitang Wedding Essentials Magazine. Papapirmahin ko dun ang mga w@wies at Suppliers ko na na-feature eh.
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Namimiss ko mag plano ng events. Parang gustong maghanda ng big party para kay Matthew kaso hindi pa naman sya 7 years old, baka ma-upstage pa yung time na mag 7 years old sya. Plus, wala naman kaming pera Gusto ko din ikasal uli ang Mommy at Daddy next year. 30 years na sila. And with the rate my Dad is going, malabo na umabot sila ng 50 or even 40 years of being together na buhay sila dalawa pareho =(.
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I’m so itching to make a new layout for this blog. Pero my magician has his PC broken. So, gawa na lang muna ako ng user icons sa LJ ko. Bisita kayo ha!
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Wala pa pala akong Wedding Kwento. Hmmm….try ko. Malapit na kami mag ONE MONTH!
Because people at work who I dont want to make chismis might be able to chance upon my LJ. PeopleSupport is Blog-o-Landia, especially with our account, the account of looooong wait times. You start here, and in two weeks' time, I bet, you will have a blog, be it here, in blogger, blogdrive or tabulas, the last one having the most users. And since I'm quite a veteran here already (read: old), and masungit (read: I'm not going to make idle conversation, nuthead, I'd rather surf, and blog, and blog hop, thank you very much), people will naturally be curious on what I do write.
Whew. That was a long segue.
Onto the real point of this entry.
Edil has started hitting the gym again (He's gunning down for this body.), and though I should be feeling happy and dandy about it, I'm not. Not in a real sense anyway. For one, he is pressuring me to hit the gym and not eat as well, which, actually stems more from concern than anything else. But hard-headed me won't take any orders, especially coming from him (kuno).
Ewan ko ba, I can be in control and disciplined on anything but eating. I've longed acknowledged that I'm an emotional eater. When I'm bored, I eat. Sad? Eat. Happy? Celebrate it by eating. Example, the day I lost 30 pounds when Edil and I were separated, I ate a Cheesecake factory, eating a slice each of 4 different kinds of cake.
Yesterday, while I was at KFC eating with an officemate, she told me things I'm not privy of which has been happening with people I consider friends in the office. One has sexual problems (she thinks she is frigid, she just can't lubricate during sex), and one found out her husband was cheating on her. Sure, things like this happen all the time, but I get shocked and saddened all the same.
Friend T, already has three children, spaced 1 year apart. She dresses like she is dressed for lounging around the house doing chores, and we would even have to sometimes remind her to brush her hair. She usually borrows money which she will pay on pay day and then the cycle repeats itself. She sometimes eats boiled egg alone. But, talking to her, you sense a keen knowledge and wisdom and a beautiful soul. She even looks good, except that, right now, para lang syang “
Cheating husband is no looker, has a job which is so-so. He takes Friend T to concerts, bars, and the like. But he sometimes doesn't go home. He even notices Friend T's hair and suggests she get a treatment. Four days after Friend T gives birth, he checks in a sleazy motel with a sleazy girl.
Does marriage really suck you dry? Leaving you with just a ghost of yourself?
I still think (and believe) women give more in terms of love and sacrifice in a marriage. Which actually makes me scared a bit. Close to a month in the marriage, I have not been able to indulge myself of two hours (just two hours) of non-stop dancing alone in my room and being able to doodle stuff in my notebook. I have no ME time.
Then, Edil becomes a nag pressuring me to go to the gym and be a health buff.
Which, honestly, I don't have time for. I work 6AM to 3PM, go home,either do laundry then cook dinner, or cook dinner then iron clothes. Then it's teaching time for Matthew, and sleep. My luxury time is when I can finish two mugs of coffee without thinking of what I'm going to do next.
I'm not justifying my excuses. I know if I make time, I will have the time.
During Discovery Weekend, Edil just made me promise two things: 1) That I learn how to handle money (finish my debts), and 2) That I take care of myself. Presently, three-fourths of my salary goes to credit card debt so I can have them closed by December. The take-care-of-yourself part? I need to work on that.
I know looking good might be superficial, but, looking good takes effort. And discipline. Not all vanity. So, I better conquer this frigging little big thing and be fit.
If only I can resist that chocolate cake.
Matthew comes up from behind, arms outstretched.
“Mommy, I love you.” He then puckers his lips and tips his toes for a kiss.
We cuddle and he repeats, “Mommy, I love you.”
And suddenly, I'm scared that he will grow up too soon and there will be no “Mommy, I love you” lines to hear.
“Malambing si Mato, no?” I tell Edil. “Sana di muna sya magbinata.”
“He will always be your boy, he's the first.”
And Im comforted.
I should be cruising along, enjoying the swim?
Posted on Jul 15, 2005 under Daily Memorables | No Comment..and yet what am I doing?
I think I have what I think is perpetual restlessness. After working and studying at the same time, then graduating, then reviewing for the board exams, then preparing for the wedding, I'm again on a roll.
I've been busy the past few days searching for training seminars on anything about nursing. I have conquered my fear of the unknown (and the known - which is the low pay) and finally got moving on my application. Hopefully, by September, I'm going to be fully-pledged practicing nurse already.
In other news, I have been busy re-organizing my files and learning new stuff, like Adobe Photoshop and Digi-Scrapping. I've been reading books like I've never read books before and have been sleeping for two-three hours a day. Niiiiice.
Edil and I have some bonding sessions after Matthew goes to sleep..Boggle Supreme! We have been tagged as the “Legend” so far.
Life these past few days have been all about thinking, planning, organizing and thinking. I've always thought I've never thoroughly enjoyed the stages of my life and seem to always to be in a hurry to get it over with and move over to the next chapter, the next stage to “star” in- and within this month and the next, Im going to be preparing for the next stage Im going to be in.
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Mag Tagalog naman tyo!
Nagbukas na ang SM City San Lazaro kanina. And it is bigger and better than SM Manila, I'm impressed. At, sa limited time na nandun ako (nalibot ko lang kalahati ng first floor at kelangan ko na pumasok), meron Gonuts Donuts at Super Bowl! Yay! Coffee Shop na lang at kumpleto na ang fixes ko. Walking distance pa lahat. Hmmmmm..mukhang matututong maglayas ang anak ko na.
Masama kaming mga magulang. Di lalampas sa isang linggo na di makakapasok si Matthew sa school. Hindi kasi kami nagigising or hindi ko naseset ang alarm clock bago ako umalis sa trabaho kaya di naman nagigising si Edil. Buti na lang mana sa akin ang anak ko, genius (asos..haha!)
Eto na muna, mukhang nalalaman na ng mga taong ayaw kong malaman na meron akong ganitong kabaliwan ang LJ ko Locked entries naman.
Ikaw? Gusto mo magbasa? Mag-LJ ka
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Gusto ko gawin 'to.
(P.S: Sa mga wowies na mapapadaan, paki-iwan ang URL nyo at ililink ko din kayo ha!)
1. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie/icon/etc reminds me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be…
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.
Because we really didn't have any. No biggie as I would want to go to Disneyland HK for Matthew's birthday in December and finally go to a beach if ever, when ever, I get the babelicious body I've been dreaming of (Ha, I wish!:P)
For one, we were entertaining a very good friend who flew all the way from Davao to witness the whole event. So we had to play good hosts, even on our wedding night. Hindi naman sya sumingit sa kama though
Day 1: After cleaning up the room we will be staying in, (we are now staying in my parents' room, we kicked them out! nah, they both live and stay most of the week in Cavite anyway) we met up with Rex and Kuya at Eastwood. Now if you remember, this was when there were very strong rains that naturally, had the whole of Dimasalang submerged in floods within 10 minutes. Buti na lang sa likod kami ng SM City San Lazaro at hindi bumaha sa amin Anyway, we had to take several re-routes to go to Eastwood and since I was busy talking with Marvin, another friend who from Taguig, travelled all the way to Dimasalang only to find out we were going to Eastwood(yep, salisi kami), and Edil didn't know how to go Eastwood (yep, he doesn't!), we got lost and found our way at Sta.Ana! (where ever that is!) Buti na lang at “honeymoon” pa kami nun at medyo maga pa mata namin hindi ko sya inaway muna (agad - hehehe :P)
Medyo sweet pa kami sa sasakyan nyan
Disappointed that Jack's Loft was extremly full, we settled in Teriyaki Boy instead. Nakakainis lang kasi we went all the way to Eastwood to eat..Teriyaki Boy!!! Yebah!!! It was nice naman pero sana nag Morato na lang pala kami. They got drunk of course. I just ate and drank arctic melon vodka (for life).
The Tutarpits (Dont ask what means :P): Marvin, Kuya, Edil and Rex.
.
(1) Medyo bangag na. Havent slept in days and havent drunk anything alcoholic in months. (2) Blushing newlywed pa yan (Akala mo virgin nung kinasal, hahahaha!)
Day 2: We shopped for things we need in the room. And of course, the bedsheets need to be very appealing! I also realized that it was hard to shop with Edil! With me, I shop for what I like and nevermind the price, he, on the other hand, shops by the price! (Sana makuha ko ang ugali nya sa pera - waldas ako eh!)
Day 3: We took Matthew out. Typical SM Mall day. My son wanted pizza and pizza he got. He is the only 4 year old I know who likes Yellow Cab more than Shakey's nor Pizza Hut (dapat lang) and can finish 4-5 slices in one sitting. Now, if only he eats as much with other foods…
Day 4: Finally got our CDs from the wedding!
Edil treated me out to Friday's with Matthew in tow since we spent most of the morning and afternoon tidying up the room (ang dami naming gamit!! waaaaah!). With me doing most of the work
Now, let the pictures do most of the talking 
Nakakatuwa lang kasi when Karl and Mimi arrived, Matthew's first greeting was “Pipicture tyo!” HAHAHA! When they answered they didnt bring a camera, he got ours! At wag ka, kinuhanan nga nya kami! He even instructed us how to pose! The little brat
(1) Me and Edil. (2) Mimi and Karl - Matthew was the one who took this picture
Day 5: Another go-to-the-mall-and-buy-stuff day. By this day, we were so tired na. Kumain na lang kami (ulit.)
So the week after the honeymoon, was, I therefore conclude (mwehehee), all about three things: 1) shopping, 2) cleaning the room, and 3) eating!.
Surprisingly though, I havent gone through the stage of not-being-used-to-having-a-wedding-ring all the time. I go to the bathroom with it, wash dishes, clean, do everything with it on my finger. It helps that I am a leftie and the ring is on the right so when I do “delicate” stuff, germs are not there :). Edil claims it's the same with him. It's good Edil insisted we dont have any stones in it too, as I have gone to realize the tenacity of our bands. Hopefully, it would not be lost or stolen soon (sana naman, at ako ay laging malas).
I'm not saying our married life has been great. If you can compare it with others, it's so-so. We have had our first quarrel already. We don't make love every night :P. And sometimes, I crave some alone time. But, iba lang talaga ang feeling. When I finally get down to describing it, I will tell you :).
