DW HIGH!

I’ve always wanted to go to Discovery Weekend, not because I have doubts of marrying Edil, but because, I’ve felt Edil and I were stuck in rut and there was simply no time and avenue to seriously talk peacefully without having one walk out on the other (this happens to us). What can I say, being with a man since I was 15, watching him grow up, stumble, grow up, stagnate (hehehe), and grow up again, let’s just say you get disillusioned and overlook the very important reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. When it was all giddy giddy and big things in the past, when every fight leads to a sweeter reconciliation and a longer make-up, the present was all the little things just adding up to one another.

The first day had us fighting over the smallest things already – so small I don’t even remember what we fought about in the first place! One irritation led to another and before we knew it, we were not speaking with each other already. This continued over the next morning, when I actually felt like bawling, not because me and Edil haven’t made up yet, but because I thought we wasted close to five thousand bucks to waste away! I could not even leave to save face! Then one of the topics focused on making dialogues instead of dicussions. The difference between is that you use your heart over your mind and focus on your feelings and not accuse, so your partner would not be defensive. Parang natamaan kami.

After each talk, you get to have a period of reflection where you write things you realized with the help of questions and then have the chance to have a dialogue with your partner after. Naku, dito kami nakakatuwa. So we were having a discussion instead of a dialogue na, tapos magri-ring yung bell to signal that the dialogue session is over. Once the bell rang, para kaming de-susing mga robot, we stop, stand up and end the discussion. End of story. Parang walang nangyari (in short, walang kwenta! hahaha!)

But, after that talk, everything just fell into place. We got to have the topics about the stages of love: Romance, Disillusionment and True Joy. And it wasnt surprising we have covered every single symptom of being disillusioned or falling out of love. But the most touching part was, it helped us realize that Love is a Decision. And though, most of the times, we “show” we don’t love each other, we have long decided that it will be “US” forever. I always knew love is a choice – that you always have the control to fall in love again once you fall out of love. And being with Edil, having the chance to finally talk and let go of issues that has been haunting us for the last 3 years, was very very liberating.

And that fateful Saturday, I was 15 again, and he was 17, and we were just like starting to fall in love over again.

We made resolutions to never fall in a rut again, with the primary cure making time to be alone together or go out even once a week. With Matthew here, us with opposing schedules and the wedding planning all over us, it is difficult to even focus on the “How are you today?” part of the talk when I am sleepy as hell when he comes home at night to call. And since I have been blogging even since 2003, looking at past entries just proved how much I have loved that boy I first saw that day of April 29, 1994 (yes! I remember!)

09.02.04 (from my LJ)

On Loving.

On the way home from work earlier, I was thinking about the almost-one-year borderline craziness with H and how I ever used to think he was a better man than Edil.

In some ways, he was indeed better. He was a man of the world, very urbane, gentle to the core, romantic, a bachelor. But then Edil was a better man not only for what he is, but for what he has done for me.

Mutual friends always say how lucky Edil was to have me because I’m this and that. And I would be such a liar to say it didn’t get to my head at times. Everytime we would fight, I would keep my head up even though I perfectly knew I was wrong. Simple. He was lucky to have me. Because I am.

But then I got to thinking, if Edil was thinking the same thing that I was but instead of having the reason Because I am, he would have the reason Because I have…

Then it hit me. Loving is not being lucky to have some person as a gift. It is more than that. It’s what you make of yourself as a gift to that person. “Because I am” can be such perfect example to selfishness. Simply because, I maybe this and that but have I given?On the way home from work earlier, I was thinking about the almost-one-year borderline craziness with H and how I ever used to think he was a better man than Edil.

He isn’t.

_______________________
After the weekend, isa lang nasa isip namin:
Ang tagal ng June 24! Hehehe.
Kaso ang dami pang kelangan gawin….waaaaah!

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WHAT’S YOUR SECRET?

I highly recommend that you go visit and read this.

Some are downright funny, some shocking, while some can tug heartstrings and bring a tear or two.

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Edil completely surprised me.
While out eating lunch a couple of days ago, he said out of the blue: “Thart, parang gusto kong matuto magsayaw.”

I was like, “Whhhhaaaa?”
He then grinned and explained he watched Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights the other night and felt like he wanted to “groove.” So affected was he by the film that he was able to download the whole soundtrack that night!

I love to dance ever since and having a guy who doesn’t want to dance had always seemed a downer to me. Once, he obliged by letting me teach him dance and we, well, I, ended up just laughing at his attempts. He doesn’t have left feet, he can follow steps, but siguro, then, he just doesn’t have the beat. My dad was a good dancer and I would like to believe I inherited it from him, and he told me that a dancer need to have that beat within him, yun bang may pulso at tyempo (like singing), plus, you really have to like what you are doing.

I have always danced, alone, or with other people, and in school or organizations, I’d always end up as one of the dancers (kasi I can’t sing to save my life! LOL). But since Matthew has been born, dancing has taken a backseat.

I have this weird habit of dancing in my room like crazy when alone before. My siblings used to tease the hell out of me about it, saying umuuga buong bahay (We have wooden floors.) But they left me alone. Now, with Matthew clinging to me as soon as I get home, and without my own CD player or radio or even discman, I dance in my head.

Edil told me: “Thart, let’s dance ha.”
And I’m looking forward to it c”,)

Ano kayang first dance namin? Hindi pwede yung Dirty Dancing, mahaba gown ko. Hehehe.

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Bakit kaya ganun? Kung kelan pauwi ka na, dun ka may naiisip na i-blog? Wala naman ng time.

Sayang.
Bukas na lang uli.

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Is this right? It’s already May 1?!

Half of me is giddy with excitement – that the day is getting closer and closer. The other half is just plain zonked out – I can’t wait for it to be over. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, my thoughts are all about the wedding – how it will go, the reception layouts, place cards, invites..honestly, it’s making me sick. It is good I planned the wedding just months from the wedding day itself or else I would have gone zonkers. I know it might be too early to let go – we still haven’t finalized anything with the caterer, haven’t had our rings made, haven’t even distributed the invites! But then, maybe the past few days, weeks even, got me into thinking and made me see things in different perspective.

My family and I were doing some grocery shopping last Thursday as my Mom will be flying to Singapore for a week. We had Japanese dinner and went to the grocery section and found back issues of Martha Stewart Weddings at a hundred bucks. I grabbed two and requested my Dad to pay for it (I know, PAL pa din ako LOL), when Dad joked, “Puro wedding magazines ka na naman! Baka naman you are obsessed with the ritual and not the man you are marrying.” I was quite taken aback and told him no, but then I honestly was a bit offended. (My dad still bought the magazines for me though). And then I asked myself, “Am I really just hell set into having my dream wedding and not the man Im going to marry?”

Edil and I got into a major fight around two weeks ago which almost led to the cancellation of the wedding itself. Few people know about it (and the reason behind it) but we had an honest-to-goodness talk (after maybe two talks of non-stop shouting) and decided to go through with it. When you think about it, we have dreamt of this day ever since we started longing to be together forever, and maybe, the stress and pressure of having my dream wedding come true just got to be..well..over the top.

Many say planning a wedding is the stage for practice for the real show – married life. And now, I can’t help but appreciate the things Edil has done for me just to give in to what I want. He once told me he has robbed me of my youthful years since I had Matthew early and had to sacrifice a lot of things, and he doesn’t want to deny me some thing I deserve. Sure, I still get irritated at senseless stuff – like how he can’t stop smoking, or how he cannot, for the life of me, change the way he dresses (there is nothing wrong with the way he dresses – he in fact dresses well, not just my taste. He is all trendy and funky and I’m all classic and simple – in short, Manang, LOL) but at the end of the day, after all the wedding planning, my vision of forever is still the same: being with him until we are old and gray.

I’m quite excited for this week as we are scheduled to have our Discovery Weekend. Im quite scared that we might back out of the wedding again, but then, I’m sure it will be all for the best c”,)

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Go here!

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