DW HIGH!

I’ve always wanted to go to Discovery Weekend, not because I have doubts of marrying Edil, but because, I’ve felt Edil and I were stuck in rut and there was simply no time and avenue to seriously talk peacefully without having one walk out on the other (this happens to us). What can I say, being with a man since I was 15, watching him grow up, stumble, grow up, stagnate (hehehe), and grow up again, let’s just say you get disillusioned and overlook the very important reasons you fell in love with him in the first place. When it was all giddy giddy and big things in the past, when every fight leads to a sweeter reconciliation and a longer make-up, the present was all the little things just adding up to one another.

The first day had us fighting over the smallest things already - so small I don’t even remember what we fought about in the first place! One irritation led to another and before we knew it, we were not speaking with each other already. This continued over the next morning, when I actually felt like bawling, not because me and Edil haven’t made up yet, but because I thought we wasted close to five thousand bucks to waste away! I could not even leave to save face! Then one of the topics focused on making dialogues instead of dicussions. The difference between is that you use your heart over your mind and focus on your feelings and not accuse, so your partner would not be defensive. Parang natamaan kami.

After each talk, you get to have a period of reflection where you write things you realized with the help of questions and then have the chance to have a dialogue with your partner after. Naku, dito kami nakakatuwa. So we were having a discussion instead of a dialogue na, tapos magri-ring yung bell to signal that the dialogue session is over. Once the bell rang, para kaming de-susing mga robot, we stop, stand up and end the discussion. End of story. Parang walang nangyari (in short, walang kwenta! hahaha!)

But, after that talk, everything just fell into place. We got to have the topics about the stages of love: Romance, Disillusionment and True Joy. And it wasnt surprising we have covered every single symptom of being disillusioned or falling out of love. But the most touching part was, it helped us realize that Love is a Decision. And though, most of the times, we “show” we don’t love each other, we have long decided that it will be “US” forever. I always knew love is a choice - that you always have the control to fall in love again once you fall out of love. And being with Edil, having the chance to finally talk and let go of issues that has been haunting us for the last 3 years, was very very liberating.

And that fateful Saturday, I was 15 again, and he was 17, and we were just like starting to fall in love over again.

We made resolutions to never fall in a rut again, with the primary cure making time to be alone together or go out even once a week. With Matthew here, us with opposing schedules and the wedding planning all over us, it is difficult to even focus on the “How are you today?” part of the talk when I am sleepy as hell when he comes home at night to call. And since I have been blogging even since 2003, looking at past entries just proved how much I have loved that boy I first saw that day of April 29, 1994 (yes! I remember!)

09.02.04 (from my LJ)

On Loving.

On the way home from work earlier, I was thinking about the almost-one-year borderline craziness with H and how I ever used to think he was a better man than Edil.

In some ways, he was indeed better. He was a man of the world, very urbane, gentle to the core, romantic, a bachelor. But then Edil was a better man not only for what he is, but for what he has done for me.

Mutual friends always say how lucky Edil was to have me because I’m this and that. And I would be such a liar to say it didn’t get to my head at times. Everytime we would fight, I would keep my head up even though I perfectly knew I was wrong. Simple. He was lucky to have me. Because I am.

But then I got to thinking, if Edil was thinking the same thing that I was but instead of having the reason Because I am, he would have the reason Because I have…

Then it hit me. Loving is not being lucky to have some person as a gift. It is more than that. It’s what you make of yourself as a gift to that person. “Because I am” can be such perfect example to selfishness. Simply because, I maybe this and that but have I given?On the way home from work earlier, I was thinking about the almost-one-year borderline craziness with H and how I ever used to think he was a better man than Edil.

He isn’t.

_______________________
After the weekend, isa lang nasa isip namin:
Ang tagal ng June 24! Hehehe.
Kaso ang dami pang kelangan gawin….waaaaah!

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