We finally have managed to convince my Dad to go to the hospital. Aside from emphysema and COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder), he is a confirmed diabetic who needs insulin shots every 4 hours, and is developing right side heart failure - simply put, water has been creeping into the space of his heart wall and it IS bad. His blood isn't red, it is chocolate brown due to lack of oxygen.

Reading what you have read, you may have imagined a man who is almost bed ridden and frail and close to dying. Yes, he is close to dying. I have been psyching myself for that ever since he decided he would rather die soon than give up smoking. Looking at him now, he is still what he is - strong and stubborn. I visited him once and remarked that he had an IV hooked up (before, he wasnt give any), and he replied; “Nilagyan nyan ako para di ako makaalis.” Yep, he goes out (of the hospital room) to smoke still. Thanks to IV drip line, he is bound to his room (I know this is against hospital policy but since his sister holds office, he can arrogantly stubborn, much to our dismay.) I remarked that he was back to his ruddy brown color after 24 hrs of continuous oxygen inhalation and he retorted, “Kung ganito lang ako habang buhay, gusto ko pang mamatay!”. Im the only one in the family who can answer back bravely with respect so I countered, “Isnt it what you are doing now?”. He then proceeded to make me feel guilty, “Bibisita ka lang wala pa akong Ma Mon Luk” (his favorite), which was successful, because I really forgot. With my Mom hovering around him because of his condition, I was alone in meeting with suppliers. Edil just serves as George Banks and my driver. I met up with nurses who have been my previous classmates when I was in college (UST days) and they were convincing me to apply already. I might, after the wedding.

I have been made into a sounding board, with my Mom reporting everything doctors tell her and me interpreting for my Mom, albeit the interpretation is “mild-i-fied.” My dad's case is serious. And I was honest enough to tell my Mom we just need to wait which of his organs would give up first.

I want to be mad at him, you know. Mad because he cannot give up something for us, that he cannot see that his children need him and his family love him so much. Mad because he is dying to go. As if he is too tired already. He once told me he is ready. Two years ago. I jokingly said, not yet, since he promised he would walk me down the aisle (me and Edil were separated that time).

But I can't get angry, not for a bit. Because I love my Dad.

I'm now having severe paranoid thoughts of my Dad dying on my wedding day or close to it. Knowing him, he would insist I go through my wedding, hospitalized or not.

He told me he would me walk me down the aisle.
And now, all I want is for him to walk with me for a few more years.

Share This